L/e/t/t/e/r/s

I don't like the name of your publication.

Karl Rodders
City, State

* * *

Hi Susi baby,

What up? I just received your card and letter this morning (April 10). I enjoyed reading the letter and I LOVE the card. I keep on read the letter over and over again cause I think it's so sweet. I hope you mean all the sweet things you said in your letter cause I feel the same way about you too. I think this is the sweetest letter I've ever read. I know that you feel insecure about me leaving you but believe me my sexy thing that would never happen. I have you in my life I would never leave you or break your heart for someone else. I don't think there is no body out there that can make me happier than you baby. Susan I can't wait to get released from this place. I keep my hopes up so much when I went to court yesterday thinking I was going to walk. But I guess only the father in heaven knows it's not the right time for me because he knows that I may go out there and do wrong things and end up right back in here. Susan I know you had your hopes up thinking I would be out there yesterday but I'm very sorry boo! It wasn't my decision to get out I guess the father have the date written down in his holy book when I would be out. That day may not be far from now but just have some patience and keep the faith and be strong. I know there is foolish people outside who don't like to see us get up in life. But you have to understand that there is a lot of envious and bad minded people out there who don't want to see us go forward in life only backwards in life. But you just have to ignore them. Believe in me like I believe in you and every thing would work out alright. Susan I know you care about Lenny, but I think that you and I are meant to be together forever. Susan I can't stop thanking you for ever thing you have done for me so far. You know you are the only true person in my life right now. Susan baby I feel like I am the luckiest guy in the whole wide world to be a part of your life. So I just have to say this. I can't help thinking of you and all the lonely nights that you put me through. But I know when I come out those nights wouldn't be lonely anymore. Everytime you come see me I am tempted to touch cause I want you so much. So when I come out we will sit down and talk about it and close the deal. Until then I will remain your love for life because I want you to be my sweet sweet wife.

Your true love
BALLZ

P.S. You are mine and we belong together, yes we belong together for eternity. Your lips yes they belong to me now for eternity. Your kisses they belong to me now. Don't you know how much I LOVE you and I will do anything for you. Please say you will be mine for eternity.

P.P.S. GOD BLESS. I hope you are taking care of your self and be a good girl.

* * *

Have you considered re-naming your zine? I suggest: "And then there was this guy selling apples. No one was buying the apples. So apple guy wasn't doing so good." I realize it's a tad unwieldy, but think about it.

Yours,
Mindy Whent
Chicago, Florida

***

I guess I'd just like to stress that this is no way a "last resort" sort of attempt to pitch the following story ideas to you. Just last week, my landlord Mavis Beauford, was attempting to chase away the spiderwebs in our attic when I realized that --

What's that burning smell? Did I leave something on the stove unattended? Excuse me for a moment while I investigate. OK, I'm back. It was the next door neighbour (as usual might I add) burning leaves in his backyard. You'd think I'd get used to the odour and recognize it for what it is. But you don't care about the nasal irritations I'm forced to endure, do you? And why would you. So yes, the reason I write is because I was wondering if any of the following ideas are useful to your zine:

1) Tales of the Cutlery Drawer (a recurring column wherein a pirate describes the various bloodthirsty campaigns of terror he has engaged in, which all somehow link back to his cutlery drawer. This would, of course, need to be a humourous column for the idea to "catch" as they say in magazine lingo).

2) The differences between men and women in relation to how they interact with Kinder Surprise Eggs.

3) The disease of cancer. (Needs some kind of "hook" or "angle" however -- perhaps you have ideas?)

4) Something comic, or semi-comic, or comic-tragic about a hapless hero with a big pocketful of spare change (including a lot of quarters, to add an economic and emotional poignancy and resonance to the story) and an evil guy with a really, really powerful magnet. The rest, as they say, writes itself.

I have more, but I want to get your feedback and develop a rapport with you first. I don't quite trust you 100% yet. But please get back to me -- soon.

Doug Biere
Halifax, Nova Scotia