Roberto soon realizes what sort of car wreck he has inherited and gives up, disappearing in late August. Ryan Bigge, well-rested and ready for another go-round, grabs the zine crown back. He immediately cuts through the pre-millennial angst with the following salvo. He also bans these words here: Fin-de-siecle, ur-anything, jejune, shibboleth, sturm und drang, patina, myopia, bleeding edge and paradigm shift.

Only the worst kind of asshole tries to predict the future. (And I apologize deeply for the swearing, since this is a family publication). But while homo sapien continues to fuck up at an exponential rate, our shredded hubris somehow spurs us toward trying to see past the nose on our face. Most people lack the mental wherewithal to plan beyond their next meal, yet they eagerly seek out opinions about the year 2525.

Unfortunately, there is little I can do to change the situation, save for providing a welcome tonic for these futuristic bromides. At the very least, I am fully cognizant of my assolictic tendencies. With this intentionality in mind, here, without more ado, are some guarantees regarding the future:

Multi-media, a kind of computer medium that utilizes CD-ROM technology, will combine video clips, music and animation (dancing bears, et al) to provide incredibly compelling content.

The V-chip, which you'd completely forgotten about until this very reminder, will continue to quietly disappear into the dustbin of history.

After February 2000, we won't talk about Y2K very much, if at all.

Primary colours will be very popular, especially a tasteful shade of deep green I'm dubbing "emerald delight."

In the future, you won't be able to buy cool, but you'll still be able to buy the used panties of Japanese school girls from vending machines.

New, improved, sleek and futuristic toothpicks with and without mint flavour will begin appear at diners across North America.

Wallpaper* will add an extra asterisk in a misguided attempt to appeal to the nouveau, nouveau riche.

During slow days at the office, we'll continue to derive perverse pleasure from checking our email every 12 minutes.

Beer will continue to be very popular. Especially in large quantities.

What I'm choosing to call a "British invasion" of "rock and roll music" will hit North American shores in early 2000. Also, drum 'n' bass will be popular, and raves.

Corporate mergers will continue.

Giant robots will soon walk the earth. They will have eyes made of lasers. Beware!

Scientists working from the Homer Simpson hypothesis will finally discover a meal between breakfast and brunch.

Max Headroom mania will infect a generation world-wide with the speed of a runaway epidemic.

In the future, men will still find women attractive and sexy. (Except for gay men, who will continue to find other men attractive and sexy). Women will return this physical interest, especially if the man is well dressed and pays for a significant number of meals.

In the future, colour televisions will become far more prevalent, leading to a Technicolour utopia that will allow us to view Presidential debates and major sporting events in all the wonderful, rich, and vibrant colours of the rainbow.

Rupert Murdoch (Fox network) will create a second "Internet," featuring even more swearing, nudity, conspiracies and reality-based websites such as "When Nerds Attack."

Limp Bizkit will soon record a cover of that "Sunscreen" song by Baz Luhrmann and ruin a promising career. Few will be disappointed.

You'll soon be able to use your VCR to record your surfing expeditions when you use your cable modem. You'll wish you hadn't.

The film adaptation of Nick Hornby's novel High Fidelity won't be as good as the book.

Future-rama will continue to be neither.

Your children won't know what the hell you're talking about most of the time, especially in regards to politics, technology, the environment, fashion and music.

Perfume scented emails will be available in the year 2002. This e-smell service will be cancelled a scant three weeks later.

Johnson and Johnson will introduce a brand of edible shampoo that will be successfully sold with the tagline, "No more hunger, no more tears." In a related aside, toothbrushes will continue to look more and more ridiculous.

We can put a man on the moon (and in 2004, a woman), but frozen pizza will still suck. However, in 2008, we'll put a frozen pizza on the moon, where it will suck slightly less due to the reduced gravity.

And the cynical smart-ass will continue to be held in society's highest regard.