Shopaholics Eponymous
When you buy a brand, you're buying a personality. So why not purchase a famous personality? We blueprint the dream stores of a dozen local stars.
from Vancouver Magazine, April 2001

With the cryptic, uni-monikered department store known as bruce (Slogan: Shopping for Urban Modernists), Calgarian Campbell McDougall has combined fashion, design, art, eyewear and a cafe to create a uniquely integrated retail environment. A recent visit to the Alberni Street location got us wondering whether, in this age of runaway brand extensions, certain Vancouver celebrities might consider opening similar stores fashioned in their own images and named after themselves. From the sales associates on the floor to the Muzak in the air, here's what 12 of these unique retail environments might look, feel and shop like.

sarah [McLachlan, pop singer]
Slogan Surrender to Sarah
Lifestyle emphasis For the weepy teenage poet (with a surprising amount of business acumen) in us all.
Decor Imagine the Naam as Decorated by Sylvia Plath acolytes, then add even more candles; gold and platinum wallpaper.
Service No shirt, no shoes, no Darryl Neudorfs; friendly, free-spirited salesclerks compete to earn Employee of the Past 28 Days Award.
Fashion and accessories My Lilith Fair Lady dolls; prima Donna Karan dresses; scented candles burning at both ends.
Artwork Unicorn collages that a teenaged Sarah made when she was really sad; photos of her caked in mud from the "Into the Fire" video; pre-Raphaelite paintings.
Background music Duh!
Typical food and drink Plenty expensive meals from the book Plenty: A Collection of Sarah McLachlan's Favourite Recipes.
Logo Dollar sign merged with female symbol -- like Prince's, only broader of beam.

gordon [Campbell, Liberal leader]
Slogan The Right Way to Shop
Lifestyle emphasis For the premier-in-waiting in us all.
Decor CDNX meets TGI Friday's; a more relaxed, less taxing environment for shoppers who want to get down to business.
Service Conservative price estimates; sales associates fond of asking "Howe do you do?" They'll kill the GST! And the PST!
Fashion and accessories Remaindered Man o' the People plaid shirts; electric shavers that leave a Nixon-esque five-o'clock shadow; a line of Jack Fraser Institute clothing for men; boxes and boxes of the Canadian version of Monopoly.
Artwork Stock-market graphs; framed holograms of brother Michael; continuous loop of the Glen Clark search-warrant footage projected on the back wall.
Background music Ranges from "Money" by Pink Floyd to "Money Talks" by AC/DC to "Two Tickets to Paradise" by Eddie Money; occasionally, multi-talented Gordon drops by with his acoustic guitar to sing a few numbers à la Bob Roberts.
Typical food and drink Three-martini lunches; $500-per-plate rubber-chicken dinners.
Logo A really world-class dollar sign that lets folks know they're open for investment opportunities.

vicki [Gabereau, TV talk-show host]
Slogan Give the Gift of Gab Today!
Lifestyle emphasis For the inquisitive TV talk-show host in us all.
Decor Only store to feature Surveillance Camera One, Surveillance Camera Two and Close-Up Surveillance Camera; change rooms all painted green.
Service Friendly, chatty salespeople whom you secretly feel are just barely tolerating you.
Fashion and accessories Svelte clothing for the larger-than-life; ostentatious eyewear; Vicki's own line of desks and chairs.
Artwork Paintings of dogs playing poker and enjoying the Last Supper.
Background music Local musicians perform daily in-store.
Typical food and drink Generous portions of the meals featured in Vicki's book Cooking Without Looking.
Logo Dollar sign over eyeglasses.

Jimmy (Pattison)
Slogan Save-On-Style
Lifestyle emphasis For the frugal, God-fearing billionaire in us all.
Decor The pre-packaged sophistication of Urban Fare, the architecture and interior decor of Expo 86 and the je ne sais quoi of the BowMac sign.
Service Businesslike but friendly, with a hint of Christian concern.
Fashion and accessories Hundred-dollar loaves of decorated French Poilâne bread; $100 used-car-salesman leisure suits; Frank Sinatra's house; Queen Mary's boat; Emperor Charlemagne's Weekend Getaway; This Week Only: Feng Shui 25 Percent Off.
Artwork Norman Rockwell; Robert Bateman-style prints of animals thriving in clearcuts.
Background music Expo 86 theme song; Ol' Blue Eyes, Martin, Bennett, etcetera; the occasional decorous hymn.
Typical food and drink Shrimp cocktails galore; enough tuna fish on sourdough loaf to feed a multitude; de-alcoholized wine and wafers.
Logo Dollar sign done in glowing neon.

evelyn [Lau, author]
Slogan Choose Me
Lifestyle emphasis For the teenage runaway turned famous author in us all.
Decor An intimate, polymorphously perverse little bookstore; most changing closets decorated with skeletons, riding crops.
Service The customer always comes first. But be warned: everything you do at evelyn will turn up in print somewhere.
Fashion and accessories Black clothing, with a few strategic pieces of slightly less black clothing; red diaries; a popular relaxed-fit father-figure line of men's casual wear (joke about W.P. Kinsella's fashion sense omitted for legal reasons -- Eds.).
Artwork Lots of saucy spanking prints from Eric Kroll; Taxi Driver poster featuring Jodie Foster.
Background music Heavy on the wah-wah pedal; Pornosonic compilation; Traci Lords' 1000 Fires CD; clients and clerks often make beautiful music together.
Typical food and drink Spicy mixed-up stir-fries; licorice whips; all meals rich in Oedipal complex carbohydrates.
Logo $ex

Ujjal [Dosanjh, Premier]
Slogan Scandal-Free Since Yesterday
Lifestyle emphasis For the closet socialist in us all.
Decor Restrained yet dull, plain yet unexciting, calm yet coma-inducing; floor and walls tilt slightly left of centre.
Service Run like a nice family operation, although Aseem Dosanjh provides oppressive security; rumours that it's about to close down not helped by the fact that there are only two cashiers working at any given time; overall, exactly the experience you'd expect from a Crown Corporation.
Fashion and accessories Plain glasses, plain clothes, plain politics; infinite shades of charcoal and beige; lifelike mannequins often mistaken for Ujjal himself; wall-sized maps of Punjab.
Artwork Limited edition socialist-realist lithographs of fast ferries in perfect working order. In the back office: extremely limited-edition photos of the 1995 Gustafsen Lake standoff.
Background music "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen; "Those Were The Days" by Mary Hopkins; Titanic soundtrack.
Typical food and drink Heavily taxed (meals sometimes come in over budget); alcohol served only with the purchase of food and must account for no more than 25 percent of the bill; there is definitely not a smoking section.
Logo $ocialism

Rhona [Raskin, sex therapist]
Slogan Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Rhona But Were Afraid to Ask
Lifestyle emphasis For the buy-curious shopper in us all.
Decor High-school medical office meets Granville Street sex shop; bowls of free condoms throughout the store; a herd of inflatable sheep.
Service Helpful, uninhibited, hygienic and confidential (all merchandise tightly wrapped in plain brown paper); feel free to ask a Rhona associate anything. But be careful ordering from the Rhona catalogue: the 1-900 number costs $2.95 per minute.
Fashion and accessories Shelves full of ostentatious hats; lots of leopard-print clothing; in-house line of Rhona's Secret Peek-a-Boo lingerie, heavy on the thongs.
Artwork Reproductions of those hippies-making-sweet-sweet-love drawings from The Joy of Sex; STD prevention posters.
Background music "R U Sexing Me?" by the West End Girls; "I Want Your Sex" by George Michael; "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang.
Typical food and drink Raw oysters, champagne, RU-486.
Logo Dollar sign "merged" with both male and female signs, if you know what we mean.

Kalle [Lasn, Adbusters editor]
Slogan Thank You For Not Shopping At Kalle
Lifestyle emphasis For the compulsive, guilt-ridden shopper in us all.
Decor Extremely Spartan meets Very Simple Living magazine.
Fashion and accessories Buy Nothing Day T-shirts for $35; Molotov cocktail dresses; Garden Gnome Chomskys.
Service Surly, angst-ridden, uncooperative. Will cut up credit cards free of charge.
Artwork Photos of Che Guevera and Ghandi; cheesecake photos of Naomi "No Logo" Klein; Conrad Black dartboards; anti-smoking posters; anti-advertisement advertisements.
Background music Rage Against the Machine, Ani DiFranco, Fugazi, Fight Club soundtrack.
Typical food and drink Choose from five Contradiction Combo meals: for example, bland lentil stew served with Absolut Vodka, or a double cheeseburger with a side of organic greens. Store also has a well-concealed drive-through window.
Logo Dollar sign inside a red circle with a slash through it.

rafe [Mair, radio talk-show host]
Slogan Are You Talking to Me?
Lifestyle emphasis For the cantankerous, bearded free-enterpriser in us all.
Decor Fly-fishing lodge meets radio station meets the Alamo.
Service Open weekdays from 8:35 a.m. until 11 a.m. Toll-free number for shoppers living in the province of British Columbia: sign up for a Social Credit card today!
Fashion and accessories Features the exclusive I Helped Kill the Meech Lake Accord AND the Alcan Kemano Completion Project and All I Got Was This Damn T-Shirt (red neck optional); unregistered handguns.
Artwork Winston Churchill portraits and busts.
Background music CKNW (most customers enjoy the sound of Rafe's voice almost as much as he does).
Typical food and drink Southern fried chicken; German bitters. Condiments include ketsup, bile, piss and vinegar.
Logo Dollar sign with very small thought balloon.

jenny [Kwan, NDP MLA]
Slogan Because No News Is Good News
Lifestyle emphasis For the harried, sensitive NDP cabinet minister in us all.
Decor Pyramid of No More Tears shampoo in the front window; slot machines; oh, and for some reason, the roof is leaky.
Service Multilingual staff trained to avoid answering direct questions in any tongue; egalitarian hiring policy ensures that staff is 52 percent female.
Fashion and accessories T-shirts bearing that infamous Woodward's daisy; unisex ensembles; flak jackets; latex gloves for Downtown Eastside events.
Artwork Because it is a potential fire hazard, no art is permitted in Jenny.
Background music "867-5309 (Jenny)" by Tommy Tutone; "Blame it on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli.
Typical food and drink Affordable; ask for the Blue Collar Special.
Logo Dollar sign dripping water.

tony [Parsons, TV news anchor]
Slogan Good Evening
Lifestyle emphasis For the inscrutable TV news anchor in us all.
Decor Sombre; store looks bigger on TV; good selection of golfing equipment. The Harvey Oberfeld store-in-store is still under construction.
Service Clipped but professional; 10 percent of Tony's profits goes to charity.
Fashion and accessories Rather Tony and rather tony; price tags may frighten younger shoppers. Exclusive line of dog toys and treats named for Charlie, Parsons' loyal canine companion.
Artwork Those blue-screen weather maps; a rare photo of Mike McCardell stealing a child's ice cream cone; an even rarer photo of Squire Barnes with his mouth shut; "Newshour exclusive" Polaroids of Pamela Martin in the Christmas party conga line.
Background music The dramatic, compelling, urgent strains of the Newshour opening theme.
Typical food and drink Ask for the Variety Club sandwich special.
Logo Television set with a dollar sign.

Neil [MacRae, Sports pundit]
Slogan The Only Department Store Endorsed by Neil MacRae
Lifestyle emphasis For the middle-aged party animal in us all.
Decor Wall-to-wall shag carpeting (bright orange) and rec-room wood panelling, complemented by a liberal sprinkling of big-screen TVs, Lazy-boy chairs and couches with pre-worn buttock grooves.
Service Noisy, belligerent and opinionated salesmen.
Fashion and accessories Loud shirts, gold chains, golfing pants, coasters, overflowing ashtrays; replica Stanley Cup rings; and assorted sports paraphernalia.
Artwork LeRoy Nieman prints; autographed "candid" photo of Brian Burke.
Background music Powder Blues Band, Lynyrd Skynyrd and George Thorogood & the Destroyers in heavy rotation.
Typical food and drink Cheese-injected Bavarian smokies; St. John's Wort with a beer chaser; pints of Super Save Gas.
Logo Dollar sign inside a gaping mouth.