Memo of Clarification Regarding Payment
from the 10-cents-in-your-dreams dept.
September 4, 2000

To: TC Columnists
From: The Boss Man

In May of this year, Green Magazine revealed that most websites pay very little money for articles (an average of 40 cents per word). Unfortunately, even this pittance is more than the 10 cents per word TC.com grudgingly pays its usual gang of idiots.

Despite my attempts to divert my muckraking minions from the truths, most staffers have now read the aforementioned Green article (those loose lipped bastards will pay for their insouciance, I assure you). It now seems that my freelancers want more than the ability to sleep in and wear pajamas with impunity - they want a living wage. The rising ferment of revolutionary sentiment is starting to cause me untold and untoward concern. Certainly, I sympathize - and this despite a wealth that would inure a lessor man -- but at the same time, it would hardly be appropriate for a dot-com to spend money it didn't have.

Of course, neither can I afford to risk endangering employee morale, so I have created a compromise that I feel you all will find most fair. Effective midnight, September 10, 2000 those designated as TC.com columnists will continue to receive 10 cents per word, barring the following exceptions:

The Good Word
I will pay 25 cents per correct usage of confab, germane, hectoring, miasma, susurrations, firmament, Bacchanalian, acumen, patina, peripatetic, kudzu, internecine, lachrymose, churlish, unctuous, mendacity, ephemera, protean, deign, paucity, sepulchral, somnambulistic, imbibe, paean, denizens (35 cents for urban denizens), lugubrious, scion, gnomic, koan, mercurial, loquacious, vociferous, gesticulation, insouciance, patois, skein, oeuvre, dross, carapace, capricious, detritus, erudite, obeisance, banal, preternaturally and/or pecuniary.

Punctuation
Graceful use of em dashes will garner an extra 5 cents per appearance, to a maximum of 12. Each additional em dash will be penalized at the rate of 4 cents per. The use of more than three semi-colons in an article, regardless of grace, poise or word count, will result in a forfeiture of all monies owed. Ditto "air quotes."

Twelve Words You Shouldn't Say
Subtract 5 cents per Zeitgeist, no matter the reason for its inclusion. Subtract 10 cents for fin-de-siecle, uber-anything, ur-anything, jejune, shibboleth, sturm und drang, myopia, bleeding edge, paradigm shift and/or gotterdamerung.

Lifetime TC.com banishment for using the word "edgy" in an unironic context.

Metaphor By Four
Writers will receive one warning before being drawn and quartered for creating a comparison using the following construction: "The film Cheerleader Befriends The Nerd makes Pretty In Pink look like Jane Austin."

The Business of Torture
Any word created by the Fast Company braintrust should be sealed in a steel drum and buried somewhere very far away, like Persia or a parallel universe called Steve.

Any TC.com writer caught using a FC braintrust word will be treated in a similar manner. Penalties of up to 55 cents will be also be assessed arbitrarily for the use of: B2B, convergence, portal, i-anything, value-added, early adopter, IPO, viral marketing and e-anything.

Stung By the Spelling Bee
Misspelling any of the aforementioned $25 words (figuratively speaking) will result in a $25 paycheck deduction (literally speaking).

Laughter is the Best Medicine
I might appear a serious person, but I enjoy a hearty guffaw now and then and am willing to pay dearly for the pleasure. Thus, I will you will earn 30 cents for each out-loud laugh generated. Here are a few words or phrases (with appropriate usage) to help you better understand what makes me titter.