Portrait of a Politician As a Young Man

(A look back at my political wranglings during 1996 and 1997)

In 1993, and again in 1997 I ran for Federal office under the rubric of the Gnu Democratic Rhino Reform party. The Gnu Rhinos are a satirical party based loosely on the silly party tradition of England, but with our own Lotusland flavor thrown in. Usually that flavor involves beer. We're painted as drunks by the press, but behind the tomfoolery lurks a serious message.

Campaigns tend to burn bright but quick, and the 1993 campaign was a wonderful barrage of beanies and Kim Campbell jokes and beer and all-candidates meetings. The first press conference I attended was held in 1993 at the then ramshackle Cambie. I found myself staring into the lens of a camera and reciting Gnu Rhino policy, with a then unknown singer named Biff Naked, a guy dressed as Stalin, and a crazy guy dressed in a Godzilla costume lending moral support. When it was all over, I had 59 votes in from my hometown of North Delta.

I passed on the provincial election -- although Brian 'Godzilla' Salmi ran in the 1994 by-election -- so it wasn't until the fall of 1996 that my political future was reinvigorated by the Vancouver mayoral race. Godzilla had tried in 1993 to launch the "Thousand mayors of Vancouver" campaign. The requirements for running in Vancouver were laughable: two signatures from two registered voters and five minutes worth of paperwork. Despite this, Godzilla convinced only 10 or 15 people to go for it, despite front page coverage from Terminal City. (The 1996 campaign to get 1000 people to run for mayor got about 50 people on the ballot, which was an improvement, but still rather disappointing when you consider he gave away free beer in order to help "persuade" people into exercising their democratic destiny. Heck, as a prospective mayor, you didn't even have to live in Vancouver).

Although the lax municipal laws let you put anything down as your nickname (witness Sage Advice, Barb E. Doll, etc) I stuck with Ryan S. Bigge. Considering the number of people on the ballot (something like 58) I did alright press wise. I got three minutes to vent my spleen on Roger's cable, and I managed to get one minute on Raif Mair's radio show (Vancouver's slightly kinder, gentler version of Rush Limbaugh). This was highly satisfying, considering my dislike of Raif. I parodied the format of his daily monologue and ran through his main bugaboos (his constant reminders of his term as MLA, Winston Churchill and Alcan) and I even managed to slam Gerry Bannerman (his stand-in) with a few seconds to spare. I think I got about 30 or 40 votes.

The federal election of 1997 also came at a bad time. I was swamped with two jobs and I was in a band. I have Godzilla to thank for giving me the moral support and legwork to get me on the ballot. As opposed to the 'burbs of North Delta, I had my eyes on a bigger prize: East Vancouver. Nowhere else would I have a better chance of grabbing the freak vote. And with Godzilla running out in Abbotsford as Sa Tan (yes, he legally changed his name) we were a formidable duo. Even better was my schtick. I was to be Ryan 'Bloc Quebecois' Bigge. (The French hate us and we hate them, but if we work together, we can get Quebec out of confederation that much faster). We even faxed Gilles Duceppe to see if he'd let me join the party.

The press loved it, I loved it, and despite a lack of time for campaigning (compounded by a shorter campaigning period) things went pretty well. I got on CBC TV, the Chinese Radio station and received a few mentions in the Vancouver Sun. Unlike '93, I didn't have time to think up many new policies nor practice my riffs (I blew my big chance with CBC-TV when I failed to make fun of Jean Chretien). I did manage to poster (Fleur de Leave '97) and I made some clever flybills. (Hi, my name is Ryan 'Bloc Quebecois' Bigge, and I want to be your member of parliament for Vancouver East. When you vote for me on June 2nd, it means you support my plans to get those whining Quebecois out of Confederation once and for all. Why should taxpayers continue to give them our hard earned money, when over 49% of Quebec wants to separate?) I even put an ad in Terminal City.

The highlight of the 1997 election was the minute and a half rant about the televised leaders' debate I did for MuchMusic. They even paid me! I became a media pundit and a sellout, all in the same day.

In the middle of the campaign, (and on my first day off from Adbusters in two weeks), I found myself driving out to Abbotsford to attend a bible burning. I was kept company by two beautiful girls and two ugly male videographers. It was exciting, as we really didn't know what quite to expect.

Sa Tan (Godzilla) had done his homework. We were holding the burning outside a huge church (1000+ seater) on the evening of closing ceremonies of the 10th annual congregation of the world evangelical fellowship. BCTV and the other main media couldn't have cared less, but the local press was eating it up. There was a local camera crew or two, and a bunch (5 or 6) local reporters. That footage could ruin me one day if I ever get famous (Humour Writer a Closet Satanist!) Anyway, the highlight (besides seeing Sa Tan's friend Mark dressed up as the Prince of Darkness and Sa Tan's then-girlfriend in a negligee, pretending to be his 14 year old virgin bride) was roasting marshmallows on a pitchfork over the flames created by the good book.

There is little doubt in my mind that I am now, officially, going straight to hell in a hand basket.

I wasn't invited to any "all candidates" debates in 1997 except for the Roger's Cable shindig. Transcript of actual phone call:

Producer at Roger's Cable: "Will you be wearing a costume?"
Me: "What?"
PARC: "I mean, this will be a serious debate, so if you wish, we can give you other venues to express your views."
Me: (bristling) "I've been to debates before. I won't be in costume. Goodbye."

On election night, I watched as the results started trickling in over the World Wide Web. At one point, it looked like I might come in third last. When the dust settled I was staring at 123 votes (thereby doubling my 59 votes of 1993). I had vowed to break 100 this time out, and how! (If I keep doubling my vote count, I should be in office by the year 2050).

It is the late spring of 2000 as I write this, and I'm really not quite sure what my political future entails. While I cherish my Gnu affiliation, I now live in Toronto, far, far away from leader Sa Tan. It is a difficult decision however, as I've experienced so many wonderful things: I've occupied a returning office, pretended to be gay to annoy a Christian Heritage party candidate, stuck pencils up my nose during a photo shoot, saw Kim Campbell's concession speech live, and been invited to an orgy.

Before I take a Trudeau-like "walk in the snow" I think I'll wait to see who wins the Canadian Alliance "leadership" contest. Between the antics of Jane Stewart, the National Post and Stockwell Day, I might be unable to keep my punditry contained.