Post-Modern National Post-Coital Discussion
October 30-Nov 5, 1998

On Tuesday morning, October 27, 1998 eight Vancouverties, representing various ages, cultural interests, political stripes, occupations and social outlooks perused the National Post's debut issue over coffee at DV8. Their uncensored impressions provided honest and refreshing analysis. The eight Vancouverites were:

Lance (34): A sports fanatic and a longshoreman who looks remarkably attractive without a shirt on.

Indra (23): Token visible minority, community activist, graphic designer and holier-than-thou vegan.

Jennifer (45): A droll fashion designer, movie industry hanger-on and general scenester.

Jack (27): MA student in political science at SFU and guitarist for the local band Hotard.

Tree: A 75 year-old-growth cedar and environmental activist.

Gregory (31): An accountant and theatre fanatic.

Cindie (19 or so): A prostitute, intravenous drug user and hemp activist.

Spot: A five-year old German shepard who enjoys fetching newspapers for his owner Malcolm.

Moderating the discussion was TC's Ryan Bigge and his sock puppet Sockie.* Here is the transcript of a most candid conversation.

*(Sockie speaks in a high pitched and energetic voice that is the calling card of most children's puppeteers. Ryan is unable to control or censor Sockie and the opinions expressed often do not reflect Ryan's, especially the nasty ones).

Overview
Ryan: OK, let's start with overall impressions.

Lance: What the hell kind of newspaper is this? No page three girl. No Herman or Marmaduke comic? No jumble, that scrambled word game? Thumbs down.

Ryan: Indeed. Other first impressions?

Spot: Bark. Bark.

Ryan: Two barks, according to the phrase book Spot's owner Malcolm gave me, means "no." One bark means "yes." I'll take that as an overall negative first impression then.

Jack: Scott Feschuk's column "On the Hill" was funny. Making fun of Joe Clark and the conservatives in an original manner is fairly difficult.

Sockie: I disagree with that assessment. How many Joe Clark supporters does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Clark supporters can't see the light.

Jennifer: You can tell it's a Conrad Black paper, since the biggest photo on the front page is of an American.

Gregory: I like the old style drawings of the columnists and senior reporters.

Sockie: I cut them all out and made an animation flip book. If you flip fast enough, everyone starts to look the same. This isn't that surprising given that the actual articles all read the same.

Cindie: The sports sections featured Borje Salming wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. That was all right. I'd give him a 15% discount.

Digging Deeper
Ryan: Things you were surprised by? Things you thought might be missing?

Gregory: Their obituary column failed to list the Toronto Star or the Globe and Mail, so they certainly lack a sense of humour. Or confidence.

Lance: The Arts photos were colour but the sports photos were black and white. Did that bother anyone else?

Indra: Not me.

Jennifer: Me neither.

Jack: Are dogs able to distinguish colour?

Spot: Bark. Bark.

Digging Deeper II
Ryan: Other things missing?

Indra: A diversity of voices and opinions is something the Post might consider. Dead white males like Mordecai Richler and Andrew Coyne do not a cosmopolitan vision of Canada make. Is it a well established fact that militant black lesbians are perfectly capable of stringing together sentences that form paragraphs. The only thing black in this paper is the ink. Even running a Dan Savage knock off column would be a start.

Lance: Who's Dan Savage?

Sockie: That's the faggot columnist the Georgia Straight "borrowed" from Terminal City a few years back.

Ryan: Sorry. I'll make pre-emptive apologizes for anything else that darned sock puppet says.

Indra: While we're on the topic, I was surprised that none of the Straight's writers were recruited for the Post.

Jennifer: Say what you will about ol' Conrad, he's been in the business long enough to know that if you're going to launch a venture as risky and as expensive as a new national daily paper, you only hire good writers.

Jack: Oh you bitch.

Indra: Do you mean bitch as in catty or bitch as in misogynist?

Jack: The former.

Indra: Mere clarification.

Post Squared
Ryan: Gregory, how do you find the remodelled Financial Post that's tucked inside the National Post?

Gregory: No complaints. The FP investing section looks quite good in fact.

Lance: Is that the part of the paper with a lotta tiny numbers in it? What do they all mean?

Gregory: Those are stock prices.

Lance: What are they for?

Jennifer: According to the movie pi, those numbers will eventually cause your head to explode.

Value
Ryan: Twelve dollars per month for a limited time, $19.50 after that, and six bucks for Vancouver Sun readers. Worth the price?

Cindie: Hmm. I'd have to hustle an extra hummer per month for a subscription. Granted, I'd be better informed, but ignorance isn't so bad either. I'm not sure the effort would be worth it.

Sockie: At this point, it's pretty tough to determine which option would suck less.

Jack: I'd consider picking up the Saturday edition once in a while.

Either/Or
Ryan: If you had a choice between the Globe and Mail, or the National Post, which would you chose?

Jennifer: Evil of two lessors syndrome isn't it? Pass.

Jack: Well, I'd like to wait and see if the Globe is forced to kiss Toronto's ass less often. If they can fight back effectively, I'd chose the Globe.

Sockie: I can see the Globe headlines already. "National Post can cause cancer, sources say."

Lance: Neither. The Weekly World News continues to run the edgy, hard-news stories that the major media outlets are scared to tackle. Did you know that the moon landing was faked?

Cindie: What's wrong with faking things?

Ryan: OK, we're getting off topic. Once again, the question is Globe or Post?

Gregory: The Post, because of the coffee-table book sophistication that the "Avenue" section brings to my breakfast table. Also because I like the gold coloured newspaper boxes. They're really shiny, like the coins you put in the boxes to get the newspaper. I like things that are shiny.

Indra: Boycotting literacy is starting to look pretty good.

Oh! Canada
Ryan: Has it achieved its goal of being truly national and Canadian, instead of Toronto-centric?

Jack: A bit sparse on the Nunavut coverage.

Jennifer: Having a newspaper for all Canadians is a gutsy move since the only thing that currently unites this country is that no one gives a shit what happens in the other nine provinces.

End Game
Ryan: Any final thoughts, opinions or salvos? Would you wrap fish in it?

Jennifer: Probably. I mean the National Post already stinks, so it would compliment a salmon or trout quite well. A little white wine and --

Spot: Bark. Bark. Bark. Growl. Bark. Growl. Bark. Growl.

Ryan: Let me consult the book. Let's see. Four barks. No. Two barks. No. OK, here it is. Spot is suggesting that he would be embarrassed to be housetrained with the Post.

Sockie: Deirdre Dolan looks cute. I wonder if she'd date me?

Indra: We all saw your lips move that time Ryan.

Cindie: I work at Seymour and Nelson if you change your mind.

Ryan: Not just yet. Time for a rapid subject change. Let's see here. Tree, you've been silent thus far. Any comments?

Tree:

Ryan: I'll take it from your wooden expression that you're shocked and outraged that your brothers and sisters were beaten to a pulp to create such a sacrilege.

Jack: All in all, I give it a passing grade. The article about Alanis was a bit trite and running a huge photo of her was unnecessary, but I've certainly seen much scarier things this close to Halloween.

Gregory: Undecided. Shows potential.

Indra: Despite Conrad's fingerprints, I can't say it's all bad. Only mostly.

Ryan: Well. Thank you all for your time. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. If you haven't already heard, the National Post was sold out by 10:30 am. A sign of things to come? Or collector fever? Only time will tell. Goodbye everyone.

Sockie: Did Ryan mention this transcript is doubling as his Globe and Mail resume?

Ryan: Hush Sockie. Or you'll join Lambchop in sock puppet heaven.

Sockie: Isn't that sock puppet hell?

Ryan: Ending transmission immediat--