Old and New - Zine Archive

main
menu
o
l
d

a
n
d

n
e
w

Fork Zine: Ryan's Advice Column

Dear Ryan,
I work at a job where the average rate of pay is fifteen (15) dollars an hour. However, due to reasons beyond me, we keep incurring fork theft at work and therefore I cannot consume my meals during my break without undue hassle. What should I do?
Signed, Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,
I would recommend quitting your job and finding another job that can provide you with the forks you need. Even if you have to take a cut in pay, it's worth it for that four pronged implement of joy we call a fork.

Dear Billy,
Yours is a simple world. When you grow up you'll find it won't all be forks and sunshine, especially if you work at Canada Games Pool. One day you'll be a bitter old man, so enjoy your fork utopia while you can.

Dear Ryan,
Ok, this whole situation may sound a bit complicated, but bear with me. I met this guy during Expo 86 at the Ontario pavilion. He was a few years older than I was (19 to my 17). I'll call him John. We hit it off really well. We dated on and off for a few years, and then parted ways. The next few years saw me trapped in a series of fun, but ultimately unfulfilling relationships. All the while, I wondered if my first love had been my true love. But I had no way of contacting my Expo boyfriend, as he had moved to Kuwait to put out oil rig fires. Then in 1995, I met this wonderful guy who I really hit it off with. He seemed like the one, but I really couldn't get along with his family and their weird religious beliefs. So my love for him was waning. Then, while I was at the supermarket buying limes, I ran into my Expo boyfriend. We started talking and it was just like old times again, except that he was engaged to be married! However from body language, I could tell that this chance meeting was making him think twice. Now what I would like to know is why can't fifty grown men and women figure out how to keep an adequate supply of forks in their workplace?
Signed, Mary in Metrotown.

Dear Homewrecker,
The romance, like the fork situation, is doomed from the start.

Dear Ryan,
I work at Sungod Aquatic Center. We have hundreds of forks but no knives. Do you think we could trade?
Signed, Cindy.

Dear Cindy,
Finally, a constructive letter. Negotiations between the two municipalities are underway as we speak. Wow, this zine actually accomplished its intended goal. Hmm. This gives me an idea for another zine I could write.

Read the inspiring Fork Zine Editorial.

More inspiration: Musical Tributes to Forks